...romance...

...oh dear. I try to deny it, to protest at marriage chat, to pretend I'm not that soppy girl, but I do love romance. I don't mean the 'romance' seen in movies, but the love of two people seeking to lift one another up before God and pursue Him together. This is meant to be a place of honesty, and this is my heart.

Now this has been a source of a battle between me and God. I see so many wonderful single women in the church and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Ever since my time in Pakistan last summer, God's been asking 'Why?'

Why are you so set on this idea of a husband and family? Why do you hold this dream in such high regard? Don't you believe that I can look after your every need? I love you and I know what's best for you, can you trust Me with this? Even if it means that it doesn't turn out to be your fairy tale? Will you trust Me with this?

I want to say yes. I saw God do amazing things through my life last semester, I knew the contentment of being in His hand, right where He wanted me. The lack of distraction meant I was so focused. I want to depend on Jesus whatever that means for my future. But there's still that little voice in my head saying 'if You want good things for me, surely a family is a part of that?'

And God does want good things for His children. His promise is that if we delight ourselves in Him, He will give us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4). I believe that if I delight myself in Him, if I focus on Him, my heart will come to know His, the desires of my heart will be the desires of His.

Whether my future holds a family of my own, or greater fellowship in God's family. In His grace, I hope that I can continue to depend on His promises. I hope that I can really know what it is to love and be loved in this relationship with my Heavenly Father, for that is my faith. Maybe one day I will meet a boy I can share my dreams with, but until then, day by day He will be enough for me.

...baby chat...

I really appreciate my family when I go home now, and this holiday was no exception. They're all crazy, but I do love them.



We were discussing our behaviours as babies. I can't help but wonder how much of the character I can see now in my brother and sister was visible when they were babies and toddlers. I was always a lot more interested in talking than walking, and Hannah, being the youngest, was pretty quick to walk, trying to keep up with me and Ben.

We also learned that when she was growing up she referred to me as Deddie and Ben as Beebup, who knows where that one came from?

I found an old cassette tape my mum had got me to record when I was two, back in the day when I had a Glaswegian accent 'Awwww Ben, you want to come and sing Awayninamanger? Aw Ben let's sing awayninamanger'. Fun times. Ach, life would be dull without siblings!

...people...

I was 'studying' today and kept seeing these wee guys out of the window, so eventually I went out to pick them up.

Every time I looked outside they were being thrown all over the place by the wind, it reminded me of some things I've been pondering on over this holiday.

I love people. A lot. And God has given me some pretty wonderful people to love, all over the world. I've learned about how to put this love into action over the last year, and I look forward to learning and loving even more in 2007.

I love to share life with people, to share their hard times, to share what God's teaching us. But I still don't like sharing my pain. My father God has given me an amazing extended family, people to share life with. To stand alongside in hard times. To just be there together, beyond words. Those little leafs were being thrown about all over the place, but they were determinedly sticking together.

I don't know what's going to happen this year, there's a lot of uncertainties, but I know that God will be my home, my solid ground. And there will be people around me who I can live life alongside sharing the lows as well as the highs. Here's to a new year of adventures and sticking together!